One of the harder things to deal with as a military spouse is time apart. It is a reality of life for those of us married to a man or woman in uniform. If you are lucky, your spouse is on shore duty, but other than a few special rates, the time will come where they are on sea duty or deployed out. Sometimes you may only have to spend a week apart, other times it may be a year or more. No time apart is fun or welcomed but it is necessary to develop healthy coping mechanisms sooner than later. It is easy to let deployments come between a marriage and if the two people in the relationship are not careful a lot of bad stuff (ie cheating) can happen. I have heard many a horror story about a husband that goes off to sea only to find out that his wife has befriended a sailor or what have you. The opposite is also true. "Port rats" (the tramps who wait at the pier for the sailors to get in and are there for a good time) are very real and are always ready and waiting.
Some things I would advise as a spouse is to find a support group and make friends. I know especially during the first few times your husband leaves, its hard to find the motivation to get out and do things that might be fun. Believe me, you need to. Find other wives from your husbands command because they are in the loop with what is going on with his ship and you will have things in common with them.
Find a hobby. Whether you are living in the states or abroad, all bases have clubs and activities planned. Look up your bases MWR on facebook. Most are really good about listing events that are coming up. Go even if you go by yourself. Be willing to talk to those other women that are there. You will kill two birds with one stone, hobby and friends.
If you can, visit home. If your husband is going to be gone for a long period of time why not take a trip to see your family. Make sure if you are living in base housing to talk to the housing office about their rules for how long you can be gone before you forfeit your housing.
Make plans. Ask neighbors and friends over for a BBQ. Find people to celebrate a holiday with. Making plans will give you something to look forward to.
Take time to write your husband. I normally write my husband at least once a day on facebook or his email. It is normally about the hum drum stuff of the day but it makes me feel more connected to him. Tell him how much you love him. Send him pictures. Put together a care package. Have him get a phone card so when he is in port he can call.
If you are really lucky, meet your husband in port. There are many safe ports that sailors visit. Make up a code of some sort so you know when he will be there. Make sure its a really good code. If you know where he is and when you can always fly there and have some time together. Make sure he oks with his ship to be with you BEFORE you get there.
My biggest advice, don't get too close to another sailor. The intentions may be good, just friends. The chances are that you are both lonely and stupid things can happen when people get lonely. Don't be dumb. Stay true to your sailor.
For any questions and or comments, email me a navywifeinjapan@gmail.com
Monday, May 30, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Things never to say to a military wife
There are a lot things that people say that are beyond irritating. I am sure that its true or close to true with any military wife. Here are some things I would recommend a non military family person not ask or say.
"Oh my gosh, I miss my husband so much. He has been gone two days and isn't coming home for three more days." This one to me almost always has one of two effects. I either get upset or laugh. Anytime apart that is less than a month is what I consider short. I really don't even think of it or make a big deal of it anymore. So a little five day stint apart to me is nothing to be crying over.
"I never see my husband." If you mean you never see your husband because he works an 8 hour/day job all I can say is boo hoo. Most people in the military have to be on base and at work by 6:00am so with travel time most leave during the five o'clock hour. Most days these guys don't get home til 6:00pm on a good day. There have been more days for us that my husband has come home closer to 9:00pm or not at all at the last minute.
"Aren't you bored?" Stupid question. Of course we are bored. A lot times wives have a hard time getting jobs because of how long they will be in the area. In two of the three places we have lived in the last couple of years I was told by people that they wouldn't hire me because of how quickly I would be moving. <----Totally understandable but it still sucks.
"Where is your husband at?" If I haven't told you then its one of two things; either A, I can't tell you or B, I have no clue where he is at.
"Don't you miss your family?" Do you really need to ask? Yes, of course I miss my family.
All I am trying to get across with this post is that life can be hard for a military wife and it only makes it harder when people ask certain questions without thinking. I understand that for some people five days or even one day apart can be hard but honestly it is hard for me to find empathy for you if you make a big deal out of it. I try not to take offense to things said in peoples statuses on facebook because they aren't said to me directly. When they are though I kind of just have to roll my eyes.
"Oh my gosh, I miss my husband so much. He has been gone two days and isn't coming home for three more days." This one to me almost always has one of two effects. I either get upset or laugh. Anytime apart that is less than a month is what I consider short. I really don't even think of it or make a big deal of it anymore. So a little five day stint apart to me is nothing to be crying over.
"I never see my husband." If you mean you never see your husband because he works an 8 hour/day job all I can say is boo hoo. Most people in the military have to be on base and at work by 6:00am so with travel time most leave during the five o'clock hour. Most days these guys don't get home til 6:00pm on a good day. There have been more days for us that my husband has come home closer to 9:00pm or not at all at the last minute.
"Aren't you bored?" Stupid question. Of course we are bored. A lot times wives have a hard time getting jobs because of how long they will be in the area. In two of the three places we have lived in the last couple of years I was told by people that they wouldn't hire me because of how quickly I would be moving. <----Totally understandable but it still sucks.
"Where is your husband at?" If I haven't told you then its one of two things; either A, I can't tell you or B, I have no clue where he is at.
"Don't you miss your family?" Do you really need to ask? Yes, of course I miss my family.
All I am trying to get across with this post is that life can be hard for a military wife and it only makes it harder when people ask certain questions without thinking. I understand that for some people five days or even one day apart can be hard but honestly it is hard for me to find empathy for you if you make a big deal out of it. I try not to take offense to things said in peoples statuses on facebook because they aren't said to me directly. When they are though I kind of just have to roll my eyes.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
So your husband wants to join the Navy...
Boy do I have some words of advice for you. I have had a few girls write or talk to me about their husbands plans on joining the Navy. I am going to be straight with you right now...I wouldn't advocate any family going in. The military is GREAT for single guys and girls. The military has some GREAT benefits. The military is stable. The military is a pain in the you know what.
I met my now husband two weeks after he signed his contract to go into the Navy. I had no idea what I was getting into and to be honest, neither did he. I love my husband dearly and I would still marry him even now knowing how tough life in the military would be but if I could change the fact that he was going to join I would. I am going to try to be as unbiased as I can be, but here are some of my pros and cons to think about if you find yourself in this situation.
PROS
Your housing costs will be covered. This is awesome because whether you decide on military housing (another story all on its own) or to live off base, you will not have to pay for it. If you live out in town you will get money to cover your utilities up to a limit.
Your husband will receive the GI bill. Great for when you would like to buy a house or if he would like to go back to school.
Traveling is great and you might get to see some of the world with your husband. Even if you do not get stationed abroad you will have what they call "Space A(valiable) Flights" open to you. If your husband is on leave or gone for at least 90 days you can travel anywhere in the world that has a military flight open. The only catch is it is all stand by.
Stability is huge. Your family will receive a paycheck every two weeks and he will have a job as long as his contract is good for. Other than a few small instances, those two things are secure.
Medical benefits. This is what gets a lot of people. The military health care system is pretty awesome. For example, to have a baby you will only pay about $25.00 out of pocket. Nice compared to some people who have to pay around $10,000.
These are the major pros for me.
CONS
The military owns your husband. This was super tough for me to get used to. It really doesn't matter if something is going on that you might need your husband for i.e. funerals, advice, births, weddings, just to be around. If the military needs him, too bad so sad, cause guess who isn't going to make it. This can add major stress on a marriage if the spouse cannot handle it. You may come first in his heart but in a lot of ways he is obligated to put the military first.
You will not know what is going on a lot of the times. Depending on your husbands job and security clearance you may be left in the dark a lot. You may not know where he is in the entire world, what his assignment is or what he did on his last mission. You cannot need to know everything. He cannot tell you everything.
Where you live is not your choice. His recruiter may have told him that he will get a choice as to where you two end up...lies. Believe me, this isn't true. You may get lucky and end up in Hawaii or wherever it is you want to go. But for the most part it is luck.
His recruiter will lie to him. Everything that he says that is not written in his contract doesn't have any grounds in the future. For example, he was told he would receive his signing bonus after boot camp. We got it nearly three years later. Make sure it is all in the contract and that you see it with your own eyes.
Depending on his command, your husband can be gone for a year at a time. If he is sent to a war zone be prepared for a long separation. If he is on a carrier, nine months is a normal time to be sent to sea.
Long lengths of time away from family is unavoidable. Sure, your family is just a flight away, but believe me, with the money you get from the military, those flights will be few and far between.
Your paycheck does not go up if you have kids. Everyone is always surprised on this one. Nope, you get to make it work with the money you were already getting.
I really hope that these pros and cons help you and your family make the choice as to whether or not the military is right for you. These are just some of the main points but I have a ton of other things I can say on this topic. If you have any question or want to know more, my email is navywifeinjapan@gmail.com
I met my now husband two weeks after he signed his contract to go into the Navy. I had no idea what I was getting into and to be honest, neither did he. I love my husband dearly and I would still marry him even now knowing how tough life in the military would be but if I could change the fact that he was going to join I would. I am going to try to be as unbiased as I can be, but here are some of my pros and cons to think about if you find yourself in this situation.
PROS
Your housing costs will be covered. This is awesome because whether you decide on military housing (another story all on its own) or to live off base, you will not have to pay for it. If you live out in town you will get money to cover your utilities up to a limit.
Your husband will receive the GI bill. Great for when you would like to buy a house or if he would like to go back to school.
Traveling is great and you might get to see some of the world with your husband. Even if you do not get stationed abroad you will have what they call "Space A(valiable) Flights" open to you. If your husband is on leave or gone for at least 90 days you can travel anywhere in the world that has a military flight open. The only catch is it is all stand by.
Stability is huge. Your family will receive a paycheck every two weeks and he will have a job as long as his contract is good for. Other than a few small instances, those two things are secure.
Medical benefits. This is what gets a lot of people. The military health care system is pretty awesome. For example, to have a baby you will only pay about $25.00 out of pocket. Nice compared to some people who have to pay around $10,000.
These are the major pros for me.
CONS
The military owns your husband. This was super tough for me to get used to. It really doesn't matter if something is going on that you might need your husband for i.e. funerals, advice, births, weddings, just to be around. If the military needs him, too bad so sad, cause guess who isn't going to make it. This can add major stress on a marriage if the spouse cannot handle it. You may come first in his heart but in a lot of ways he is obligated to put the military first.
You will not know what is going on a lot of the times. Depending on your husbands job and security clearance you may be left in the dark a lot. You may not know where he is in the entire world, what his assignment is or what he did on his last mission. You cannot need to know everything. He cannot tell you everything.
Where you live is not your choice. His recruiter may have told him that he will get a choice as to where you two end up...lies. Believe me, this isn't true. You may get lucky and end up in Hawaii or wherever it is you want to go. But for the most part it is luck.
His recruiter will lie to him. Everything that he says that is not written in his contract doesn't have any grounds in the future. For example, he was told he would receive his signing bonus after boot camp. We got it nearly three years later. Make sure it is all in the contract and that you see it with your own eyes.
Depending on his command, your husband can be gone for a year at a time. If he is sent to a war zone be prepared for a long separation. If he is on a carrier, nine months is a normal time to be sent to sea.
Long lengths of time away from family is unavoidable. Sure, your family is just a flight away, but believe me, with the money you get from the military, those flights will be few and far between.
Your paycheck does not go up if you have kids. Everyone is always surprised on this one. Nope, you get to make it work with the money you were already getting.
I really hope that these pros and cons help you and your family make the choice as to whether or not the military is right for you. These are just some of the main points but I have a ton of other things I can say on this topic. If you have any question or want to know more, my email is navywifeinjapan@gmail.com
Friday, May 13, 2011
Tips on Japan from a Navy wife
A lot of times I am asked what tips I have for people that will be going to Japan soon. There are so many things I can think of and some I have written about before but the following are my top tips.
1. Learn some Japanese before you go. There are plenty of programs available at reasonable prices that will get you all the basics and then some. Big words to know right a way are: thank you, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, excuse me, sorry, navy base, where is the train?, and can you help me? If you can master these before you go you will feel more confident going out into town. The people appreciate an American who took the time to learn some Japanese and will be more willing to help you out.
2. If you are planning on staying in base housing, bring all your electronics. They will work just fine. They may not work as efficiently as they did in America but they will work.
3. When deciding on housing, really take in all the factors. Off base housing allows you to be more involved in the Japanese society. Housing is smaller and there are a lot more rules. Some of those rules are no loud noises, no BBQs on balconies (in most places people hang their laundry on the balcony and they don't want it to smell like steak), and recycling is mandatory and you will get a fine if you don't do it. On base housing is larger, has American outlets, but you are never really getting away from base life. It can get old a little quick.
4. When it comes to pets, I will always encourage people not to bring them. It is an extremely timely and expensive process to get you dog or cat approved. Also, once on the plane they might have to fly in luggage which isn't the safest place for them. Plus if there ever is an emergency situation again when an evacuation takes place, you will have to leave your animal behind if you choose to evacuate.
5. Yen is not monopoly money. It is really easy to pull out 10000 yen and think you are only spending 100 dollars. Depending on the daily rate you could be spending as much as $130. Do it a couple of times and it really adds up. I have heard of plently of people on ships that go crazy out in town on pay day and are broke the next day. Be wise with your money. One reason you or your family were allowed to go to Japan is because you looked finacially responsible enough to handle it.
Hopefully these tips help you out if you are planning on moving to Japan soon. Most of all remember that Japan is an amazing country with so much to offer. Be wise and you will love your time you spend there.
1. Learn some Japanese before you go. There are plenty of programs available at reasonable prices that will get you all the basics and then some. Big words to know right a way are: thank you, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, excuse me, sorry, navy base, where is the train?, and can you help me? If you can master these before you go you will feel more confident going out into town. The people appreciate an American who took the time to learn some Japanese and will be more willing to help you out.
2. If you are planning on staying in base housing, bring all your electronics. They will work just fine. They may not work as efficiently as they did in America but they will work.
3. When deciding on housing, really take in all the factors. Off base housing allows you to be more involved in the Japanese society. Housing is smaller and there are a lot more rules. Some of those rules are no loud noises, no BBQs on balconies (in most places people hang their laundry on the balcony and they don't want it to smell like steak), and recycling is mandatory and you will get a fine if you don't do it. On base housing is larger, has American outlets, but you are never really getting away from base life. It can get old a little quick.
4. When it comes to pets, I will always encourage people not to bring them. It is an extremely timely and expensive process to get you dog or cat approved. Also, once on the plane they might have to fly in luggage which isn't the safest place for them. Plus if there ever is an emergency situation again when an evacuation takes place, you will have to leave your animal behind if you choose to evacuate.
5. Yen is not monopoly money. It is really easy to pull out 10000 yen and think you are only spending 100 dollars. Depending on the daily rate you could be spending as much as $130. Do it a couple of times and it really adds up. I have heard of plently of people on ships that go crazy out in town on pay day and are broke the next day. Be wise with your money. One reason you or your family were allowed to go to Japan is because you looked finacially responsible enough to handle it.
Hopefully these tips help you out if you are planning on moving to Japan soon. Most of all remember that Japan is an amazing country with so much to offer. Be wise and you will love your time you spend there.
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